Thats probably what her daughter is reacting to, and she probably sees her father as a bully. I honestly think both parents are at fault. Parents can gaslight their children and definitely their daughters-in-law, whether they realize that's what they're doing or not. My husband s father always disparaged his interests when he was younger. Thats still not OK. To me, those things just come along with being part of a family. Over time, you may have begun to feel a little desperate, wondering if there wasnt some sort of underlying game going on. And while there are many reasons why daughters might want their parents to split up, here are some of the most common ones: If your daughter has seen you and your husband arguing or otherwise being unhappy together, she may start to feel like she needs to choose sides. Be her parent and let her friends be her friends. My dream is to just have a commune where all my family lives together , honeybeenicki July 2, 2013, 12:02 pm, Obviously, but thats just because youre wrong and not because of the certain, lasting trauma it will cause for lil. The daughter goes hiking, but the father cant say anything nice when his daughter talks about her interests. And also, him treating her with respect and letting her know he values her, well that will also help shape her future relationships where she will know she deserves to be respected, valued and loved. At 12, anything my dad would listen to I really had an interest in because I never heard songs like that. He may feel like he's being left out or that he isn't good enough for his daughter. bittergaymark I think your daughter will be too, if you listen to Wendy. But you seem to have past that point long ago) Just as your husband has tried to cultivate in her his interests. This can cause a lot of tension in the family. I agree with everything Wendy said, and your daughter will certainly benefit from spending quality time with him, even if they arent doing things that she necessarily enjoys. I tried to go fishing with my dad a few times when I was younger and it was the most boring thing on the planet. 1. Ha! Id love to hang out with her.
AITA for saying my husband's ex is interfering? : r/AmItheAsshole When crazy-making partners are not driven by malevolent motives, they are very open to changing their behavior if it is pointed out in a non-judgmental environment. . I think you should also look at your marriage, because in my observation, the us vs. them thing often stems from problems between the husband and wife, which drives one of them to try to make their child an ally, whether its just to have a friend or as a way to outnumber the other person. Dont let anyone else control your decisions. I was saying thats debatable. Maybe they both like pizza or Indian food or something; then Dad can take her out to dinner or cook with her. Please dont suggest counseling communication is not an issue, as we have talked about these problems over and over. I dont comment a lot but wanted to say I often like your comments. And disparaging his daughters interests is the absolute wrong way to go about that. My eldest daughter left for university five years ago and has never come home, though I do chat with her by phone. Maybe he can break out the old Van Halen or Metallica for her to listen to and you know, maybe she will just really like it. He still clips those articles, and even though he and I are a ways apart politically, I can always trust them to have something well-reasoned and thoughtful to say. Of course, few 12-year-olds are really *excited* to have to read stuff from the Wall Street Journal, or to be asked to do mental math about ROTH versus traditional IRAs. Honestly, I think those first two sentences were the best point Wendy made. THIS. And like I said above, I like the idea of assignments to widen your daughters horizons. Isolation One of the most common tricks of a mentally abusive partner is to isolate their victims from the rest of the world. First and foremost, of course, is the safety of your children. My parents listened to Oldies. bittergaymark They Dont Want Their Marriage To End Up Like Yours, 4. Your daughter may feel like you deserve to be happy and, as a result, may want you to leave your husband if hes not making you happy. LWs daughter should definitely be involved with some enriching activities, but theres no harm at all in loving media.
Adult Children Living at Home Driving You Crazy - Empowering Parents And its his behavior that is the problem and his behavior that needs to change here.
My Husband Is An Angry Parent And I Hate It - Scary Mommy You may not see the rewards right away. Additionally, she may worry that if you stay together, shell have to deal with the same unhappy marriage later on in her own life. Reviewed by Jessica Schrader. And I dont think that tv shows a mature, intelligent adult would watch necessarily means they are good shows to watch. In the meantime, you can bolster your children's confidence and counter the ill effects of your husband's put-downs by constantly reassuring them of your love and affection. My dad said to me that the best thing you can do as a parent is expose your kid to all of their options and let them decide from there. Please dont disparage science fiction/fantasy as not being intelligent or low-brow for children and adults. It takes a bit of work to plan activities when she comes visit me in Chicago (my parents are happily married, but visit me separately) but we bound over food and shopping for kitchen stuff! Thats true, I had that thought that maybe the mom and daughters perspective on assignments was skewed. I got the same vibe you did. Oh trust me, the Buffy fanbase is alive and strong just go check out r/Buffy! My parents still make fun of me for a movie I wanted to watch when I was 8 because it was so awful. Whats ok is to have a balance.
11 Ways Narcissistic Fathers Damage Their Children - Divorced Moms My dad and I developed a healthy give-and-take relationship when I was this age. When I got to college and met all these kids whod been exposed to more high-brow stuff than I had, I definitely felt like I had to play catch-up to at least even have an opinion on this stuff. I consider myself mature and intelligent, yet Ill still watch mindless shit sometimes. For the first time in my life, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. to be at the stream, fishing pole in hand and waders on, to fly fish with my dad. Not Ready To See You With Anyone Other Than Their Biological Father. This could be something as simple as going for a walk together after dinner or taking turns reading bedtime stories. Yes! July 2, 2013, 3:39 pm, A parent should NEVER make fun of their child.. Meanwhile both Buffy and Firefly are all ancient history as far as teens are concerned Worse, Buffy is VERY annoying to anybody with an even vaguely high IQ. This kind of self-awareness is never easy, and it is likely that he may need some professional help to overcome whatever it is that prevents him from opening up with those closest to him. But you do so at your husbands expense, your daughters expense, and possibly the expense of your marriage. Ha! Grow up, already. painted_lady Um, not so much. Up to a point. And for your husband to expect your daughter to have more than your own vapid interests, REALLY doesnt make him a bad parent. The first theory is that her husband is jealous of the close relationship she has with their daughter. July 2, 2013, 12:31 pm, Happy birthday to your mom! Honestly, it doesnt dominate my life My improv group had NO idea I was into Star Wars until it came up in a scene and my knowledge of it was rather startling to ALL involved. I hope the LW looks to the comments because she is not wrong to feel hurt and confused and could have used guidance which I dont think you supplied. Though they might not always like what they hear or see, they are not typically faced with unexpected surprises or unpredictable outcomes. You didnt cause the problem, and you cant fix it. Show interest in his interests. Hed come out and hit the ball or play catch or Horse. I think compromise and parental teamwork will go a long way here. The daughter will then learn to respond in similar (asking others about their hobbies, showing genuine interest, accepting of differing hobbies). But for practical advice: board games. I wanted to make a point about the use of the word uninformed. :: If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. So, yes, encourage your daughter to take an interest what your husband likes. Meh, I wouldnt call him a total jerk, I can see getting frustrated that not only does your daughter not enjoy the samethings as you, but now all of the sudden your wife doesnt either, just because your daughter doesnt. Of course the fights will get worse as she challenges boundaries and pushes back against his authority. July 2, 2013, 4:12 pm, See, I think that is horrible of your stepfather. Meanwhile, hed try to force what he thought was important onto me. Seeing him cultivate her interests and introduce her to things I never would have has been a blessing. (There was plenty of that too, but I felt like dismissing my nerdy interests hit the hardest because I felt like science-fiction, fantasy, history, video games and books taught me a lot of personal lessons about life, loss, and persevering. Heck, where would we be without Star Trek? A good game will bring out the competitiveness in everyone. Did nobody notice this in the OPs letter? July 2, 2013, 11:46 am. But it isnt you guys against him. But it was annoying. Heck no! I didnt say she was liking or disliking things to get close to her daughter. Its important to remember that it is not always your fault if your partner and child dont get along. A my worldview is the best worldview type of parenting works out for no one, as my mother found out. July 2, 2013, 4:47 pm. I agree mostly with your last paragraph, but I wonder how close the LWs perception of the assignments is to reality or whether it might actually be closer to what you described. She played Meribor (spelling.) Both of them are alike in that they are argumentative, particularly with each other, and if they disagree with each other or even have a misunderstanding neither will let it go, such that we end up with ridiculous escalating fights. No. Some article about historical events that are echoed in Firefly, for example, or some new technology that brings us one step closer to Star Trek, or the genuine history of witchcraft that was included in Harry Potter. July 2, 2013, 1:32 pm. Theres no excuse for that. All rights reserved. And yeh I hated going to home depot with my dad but I know a lot more about home maintenance than some people. Liquid Luck Its a really nice time to shoot the shit and get your head clear fishing can be very enjoyable, plus you have a free meal at the end of it! Generally, Ive found that geeky fandoms have more respect for and interest in learning than, say, those who follow the Kardashians would.
We all died laughing. You wouldnt even ask that of an adult; why do you expect a kid to be okay with it? Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. Educational trivia game, reading articles and discussing them together or in a game format. HA! I still think hes acting out like a child. I do believe he is some what of a jerk with the fact that he really doesnt put any effort in to anything she likes though. I'M GETTING FED UP WITH MY FRIEND'S CRUSH. it seems to . Maybe not, though. I hiked and canoed. I think she should have given more advice for the LW about dealing with the husband and his responses to the daughter. Also, seriously, have you been on Tumblr? No matter how much mom encourages their relationship, the child is hearing Dad thinks Im stupid.. One of my faves is when they all de-evolve into more primitive forms and Worf-monster hunts Picard around the ship. This is NO accident. As a counterpoint, I loved all the things my dad liked and he tried to do things I liked. You know what, I thought you were going to lay in hard when I first started reading, and I was thinking to myself Oh fuck, hes going to hit on all her worst innermost thoughts and shes just going to run screaming away from DW but frankly, I think you are completely right. I just have to say, I have NEVER felt comfortable choosing what to watch on tv if Im in the same room as my dad because I know he thinks 95% of what Id want to watch is annoying. 6napkinburger I was bookish, nerdy and fangirly so I really connect with the LWs daughter. July 2, 2013, 1:18 pm, Um, both piano recitals and spelling bees are CONSTRUCTIVE activities Fangirling? But I cant help but think if you were only into cheerleaders, makeup and boys, that it would have been GOOD of your stepfather to encourage you to read more, even if it meant saying something along the lines that youd regret not knowing more about the literary world or about current events. Hed take me to Barnes and Noble and buy me a new Star Wars fan magazine every time. No. I resented how I wasnt allowed to pursue my own interests, and how the only interaction from my father was doing something he wanted or berating us about not having his interest and how stupid our own interests were. (I threw it all up and cried. My partner teaches high school students and they went NUTS for Sherlock this past year. July 3, 2013, 1:14 am, Lily in NYC He leaves at 5:00 a.m. every morning to support me and our children. He's worked extremely hard for as long as I have known him, and provided a good home for me and our three children. However, he is an adult and should know that assignments will not help them grow close. (even though his tone and demeanor sound indefensively harsh, cruel and mean.). PostedOctober 22, 2014 lets_be_honest This day is going down in history as the first day that Ive ever agreed with every single word youve said, BGM. Saying they were weird made me feel like the lesser for having been touched by their stories. There are many things I love about my husband. No, but we went, because thats how we spent time together- projects and DIY fixes. Okay, maybe I wouldnt want my 12 to read that) they could go to a history museum that has exhibits about the War of the Tudors that partially inspired the novels. I strongly agree with this. The fact that he is open to sharing his interests with her is key thats going to be where the relationship develops. I planned everything exactly the way he liked and it went down just like I thought it would. The first theory is that her husband is jealous of the close relationship she has with their daughter. She has to do something she doesnt like from time to time. lemongrass July 2, 2013, 12:51 pm. You and your husband are partners and your job is to guide your daughter lovingly into adulthood, giving her all the tools you can to be independent, strong, and self-assured. If your daughter has seen you and your husband arguing or otherwise being unhappy together, she may start to feel like she needs to choose sides. Absolutely Dad! It took me a long time to get into a relationship; I wanted to find someone. Absolutely. 1. It may take years and years before the pay-off is apparent. My dad tried to practice volleyball with me even though I was awful, but I wouldnt call that trying to force me to like it. When I was growing up, I always watched The Andy Grifith Show, My Three Sons, and Leave it to Beaver, because those were the shows that were on, and I love those shows, but my father didnt force me to watch them, it was just what was on TV at the time. July 2, 2013, 10:50 am. My interests are pretty close to hers (and yours!) Things like going for ice cream. Addie Pray I am a huge fan of Pandemic its a co-op game, so you play against the disease and work as a team. . is the crux of your real issues here. But while we would toss a softball back and forth to help me work on not flinching, he would let me rattle on and on about whatever inane thing had my interest (I didnt read much fiction, beyond Harry Potter, but I read a lot of nature books, so I would talk about whatever animal I had been reading about recently. Hes got to find ways to connect his interests with hers. Did I always do things he would agree with necessarily? But mom, dont do the us versus him. Well-said, courtney.
Everything Hilary Duff Has Said About Her Motherhood Journey Over the Years My mom put me in ballet because she thought it would be cute, which was fine, but I wish theyd made me do a sport for a while or a musical instrument. Weird. Then wed throw it back and go back to just hanging out. Help her get excited about the real science and history behind the fiction she enjoys. Or raising a child who should have a bigger perspective about the world and what is going on. Now a couple of days ago I made a mistake and got behind the wheel of a car after having a few drinks and got a DUI. sarolabelle When the symbolic slot machine pays off, you were likely to have been off and running through the interpersonal Alice in Wonderland maze again. I totally get it, but shes just got to snap out of it and team up with Dad. So I think there is a bit of a content based bias at work in some of this stuff you were already doing worthwhile things, so his dismissal of them was, in addition to being mean/cruel, just plain wrong (as in incorrect/inaccurate.) Terms & Conditions . and hes an attorney, and Im sure the rest of the family wants to stab us). My mom is super-duper awesome. Last week she followed him home after classes again, even though his bus goes in the opposite direction to where she lives. lets_be_honest My daughter and I are a lot like you and yours. Hes let me know so many times that when hes had a hard day, he loves a home-cooked meal, watching his favorite show, going to sleep, and then making love in the morning. Talk about missing the point. I realized at a young age that compromise was an important thing in a relationship. Your Family Doesn't Want To See You Together. He never rolled his eyes at me or made me feel less because of what I liked. So, encourage her to spend time with him. My mom hated most of those things and really didnt make an effort to get involved. I was an only child, so my moms attention was nice, but I do remember thinking as a child that I wished she was normal in that she was more like a mom than a friend. We and our partners use cookies to Store and/or access information on a device. I dont remember how old I was, but I distinctly remember the night they gave me that tape and told me what was on it. My Dad and I had similar interests so it was real easy to build a relationship with him with my sister not so much, he didnt know how to relate to her as she had all the same interests as my mother. I really think if said in the right context, you can support both your husband and your daughter. You may feel like you are caught between a rock and a hard place, trying to appease both of them while also trying to maintain the peace in your home. I camped. Navigating a situation like this can be difficult, but its important to do what you can to resolve the conflict. The way hes acting could be a response to feeling alienated, Im sure, but right now it seems hes trying to run a bit of tyrannical household (with the assignments, & the verboten music and television). So, based on my experience, its not helpful to your daughter to make it you against him. Asking. Her daughter should stop liking it just because her mother likes it. sign, Get the day's headlines delivered directly to your inbox, You need to be gentle but honest with your friend about her crush. I had the same experience at college! Did I love that stuff? Isnt there something vampiry that could also lead to a talk about scifi which leads to something the dad may like!?! My teenage kids are miserable & he treats them like they are toddlers. bittergaymark The mother is at a loss as to why her husband is driving her daughter away, but she has a few theories. Yeah, the letter makes me really concerned for their marriage. And who knows how their relationship might blossom if you and your husband would only make nurturing it more of a priority. Yeah, I wasnt responding so much to Mark re: sports but to culture as a whole. He sounds like a domineering and boring person. Shes driving me crazy and I dont know how long I can take it.. Settlers of Catan! He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed, to the extent that he gives her assignments, like reading articles from National Geographic and discussing them with him, which, of course, she resents. You know at the beginning of the last indiana jones movie where indie comes running home and needs to ask his dad something but his dad makes him count to 10 in latin? Choose a moment when he seems relaxed and talk with him about your worries. Just. Did I fight with my dad as a teenager? If not, don't let this spoil your friendship and do what you can to keep her busy with other things so that she has less time to focus on this guy. Are they harboring some passive/aggressive need to prove that love wont last and unconsciously sabotaging every chance that it could? He's always putting him down. Her free spirit and spontaneity. Like my sister loves Elvis, because my parents use to always listen to the Elvis hour on Sundays on the local oldies station, I didnt like Elvis then, so choose not to listen to it, I put my walkman on with Metallica, and Red Hot Chilli Peppers in it. But he always treated me like an adult and respected and loved me and I think he had a huge hand in making me a pretty confident 24 year old woman and I know what I want and deserve from boyfriends. lets_be_honest Addie Pray The variables didnt add up, but you were determined to hang in there and solve the situation by wits and endurance. Yes. I think what Wendy is missing in her response is dealing with the fathers attitude towards his daughters interests. But his way is tearing them apart, to the point where she and I look forward to him traveling so we wont have to tiptoe around him. I promise, the daughter will remember and cherish the efforts. Most of them are women. Other times, it may be something more complicated, such as unresolved feelings of jealousy or resentment.